Daft Dictionary (Microfax Jokes Books)

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Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014) A teacher asks two girls that look exactly alike, the following questions: Are you from the same family? Do you have the same parents? Were you born on the same day? The girls answered yes to all of the questions but in the end, they were not twins. How is this possible? A comb. 43. First you throw away my outside and cook the inside. Then you eat my outside and throw away my inside. What am I? In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018) A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows’” Jake Lambert (2019)

A ton. 59. A girl leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two guys wearing masks. Who are the two guys? An electric train has no smoke. 79. How is it possible for every single person to die in a plane crash but two people survived?My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” Sarah Millican (2011) Sarah Millican performed her show Throughly Modern Millican in 2011 (Photo: BBC) A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay Corn on the cob. Because you throw away the husk, cook the corn. Then you eat the kernels, and throw away the cob. 44. What runs, but never walks. Murmurs, but never talks. Has a bed, but never sleeps. And has a mouth, but never eats? I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half-hour, how long would it take before all the pills had been taken?

I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” Caroline Mabey (2017) My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016) The match. 73. If you spell “sit in the tub” as s-o-a-k, and you spell “a funny story” as j-o-k-e, how do you spell “the white of an egg”?I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” Rob Auton (2013) I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016) My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.” Andrew Ryan (2016) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'